Relationship Rules

1. Remember your partner isnít perfect. Many times we love our partner so much that we see them as more perfect than other people in our life. In this light, we hold them to an ideal, one that embraces the thought that this person will not hurt us.

   Many times we do this unconsciously. We make the mistake of forgetting they are human. As humans, we are designed to make mistakes. And sometimes, they may behave in a way which cause us to feel hurt. It is helpful to remember no one is perfect all the time. It is unrealistic to expect perfection from our partner. Allow them to make mistakes and forgive them for being human. It is through our mistakes that we learn. Embrace both your partnerís strengths and weaknesses.

2. Let your love be stronger than your anger. This is so important. Sometimes we get caught up in our need to be right. Yet being right isnít winning at all. Being angry disconnects us from ourself and our partner. It is the result feeling our needs arenít being met. Winning only has room for one.

   Explore what you need. Give some thought and ask yourself what do you need specifically, from your partner. This will help you think more clearly. Give yourself the luxury of putting yourself in time-out to clear your thoughts. Then communicate to your partner, as clearly as you can, what you are feeling. Ask for what you want or need and then be patient. Be very patient. Creating love, and especially lasting love, takes time.

3. Be flexible. After you ask for what you want, the next step is to be flexible. We become afraid when we arenít getting what we need. Our tendency then is to become rigid. It is difficult to be flexible and rigid at the same time. Try this: Ask you partner for three things, Then have your partner choose one of the three they can commit to doing. You wonít get all three but you will get one, and one is better than none. Trade places with your partner and do this exercise again to balance giving and receiving. Remember to be flexible.
4. Look for the good, no matter how small.Sometimes we overlook the small things our partner does for us. This is especially true for deeds done on a regular basis, like taking out the trash, cleaning the bathroom or making the bed. From a womanís point of view, when her partner does domestic chores, she sees him as contributing to the housework, not as doing something romantic. As a result, her husbandís efforts are not usually appreciated. Yet, this is the best way to demotivate a man - forget to appreciate his efforts.

   Appreciating a man for what he does, enables him to feel good about himself which in turn, motivates him to do more. A man thrives in a relationship where his efforts result in a happy woman.

   From a manís point of view, when his wife is talking, it may seem unimportant and pointless. Yet, validating what she is saying and empathizing with her feelings, fulfills a primary emotional need of hers. Women thrive in a relationship and have more to give when this one need is met.

5. Treat your spouse with the respect and kindness you show your friends. You married your best friend, but sometimes you may not feel this way. Still, they deserve the courtesies and kindness you bestow on your friends.

   Do something everyday to let your spouse know you care. It benefits both of you. Love is the strongest emotion we have. What brought you together is what will keep you together.

   If you find you have trouble expressing yourself, think back to a time when someone was nice to you, when someone said or did something kind. Recall the feelings. Connect with that memory. Doing this exercise will move you into a compassionate state of being, which is the goal. When you are feel compassionate, kindness and respect come naturally.

Do you ever feel like giving up? That life isn’t fair? We have all felt this way at one time or another. Despite our efforts, we can’t get life to move in the direction we want it to go. We want life to look one way, but that isn’t our experience.

Resisting what is happening, versus what we want, will only intensify those negative feelings. Don’t fight what isn’t working. Don’t waste precious time by making a list of why you are right or why it should be different. Instead, just for a moment, try to look at it from another perspective. Is there another way of looking at this problem? How could it be different than how you are perceiving it? When you can, practice the art of non-resistance.

Do you ever notice that when you reflect back on the hardest times of your life, that was when you experienced the most growth? It was what made you stronger, it humbled you, and molded you into the person you are today. Celebrate that. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are still here………..and you’ve come a long way, baby!

Are the challenges faced in relationships today different than 20 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago?

This seems like a silly question. Of course they are. So why do we use the same relationship skills that were used 30 years ago? A woman’s role today is dramatically different than it was even just 10 years ago. Men’s roles have also changed. Never before in history have we faced the unique challenges of blending; family and children, work in a maleoriented environment, and if there is any energy left a love-relationship. Our society has few role models for these multiple challenges. Our mothers and grandmothers lived in a world where needs, desires and expectations were defined differently. We live in a world where the demands on our time effects how we choose to spend each day. Most of us are either consciously or unconsciously using the skills we learned by watching our parents. Maybe you are one of the people who swore they wouldn’t be like their parents, where do you learn the skills necessary to face today’s challenges in relationships?

The first step is to understand the differences between women and men. What are women’s interests and how do men’s interests differ? What makes men and women feel good about themselves in a relationship? What do women do to relieve stress and understand their problems? What do men do to relieve stress and solve their problems? These last two questions demonstrate how hard it is to effectively ask the same question about women & men, proving they approach problems differently. Why do we communicate so differently?

Dr. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, has spent 25 years working in this field. He has shown that women are generally interested in people and feelings, while men are interested in objects and things. Women experience love when shown caring, understanding and respect, while men experience love when shown trust, acceptance and appreciation. When under stress, women will openly talk about their problems. Men tend to retreat to "their cave" to solve their problems by themselves.

Jane asks her partner, "Is everything OK?" sensing he is stressed out. Mark mumbles, "Yeah, everythingís fine." His "Yeah" answer can be interpreted as, "Yeah, everything is okay, donít worry. I can figure this problem out on my own.î In addition, Mark doesn’t want to be drawn out to discuss a problem he feels he can solve on his own. A manís self esteem is directly connected to his need to feel like a capable problemsolver.

When asking a Jane the same question, "Is everything OK?", she may respond "I’m fine.î, but really mean, "If you really care, ask me more questions and when I feel safe, Iíll tell you whatís going on." A woman generally needs to discuss her feelings but needs to feel safe first.

Conversely, you probably have heard a man short circuit a conversation with "What’s your point?" This validates the belief that men communicate with a goal-oriented approach. He is ready to start solving the problem and stop discussing it.

Women, on the other hand, communicate to exchange ideas and discuss feelings. Women have found through talking about their problems they often find their solutions.

Understanding the differences between men & women will allow couples to more effectively get what they want in their relationships with their partner, clients and coworkers.

Science has proven that when our relationships are harmonious, and especially our "love relationship", our stress level is significantly reduced. We can better handle situations with our family and at work.

We, and our loved ones, deserve to know new ways to communicate. Men and women might be worlds apart, but fortunately we can come together, with mutual understanding and appreciation for our differences, and move forward in our relationships toward harmony and peace and love.

As we move into the next season of the year, the days begin to get shorter, and our habits begin to change. We’ll spend more time indoors, get out our sweaters and begin to settle into Fall. Before we turn around, the holidays will be upon us. Our thoughts turn to spending time with family and friends.This is a perfect time to let those close to you know how you feel. Express affection for your partner, call and email your friends and family, or contact someone who has been on your mind lately. Tell them what they mean to you. Don’t miss the opportunity to tell someone you care. Sometimes the best surprises come when they are least expected.

We live in challenging times. Each and everyday, we have a wonderful opportunity to be a blessing in someone’s live. Today be a blessing in someone’s life and watch it come back to you.

We listen but do we really hear what another is saying? Listening is defined as: paying attention to; making an effort to hear. Take this definition a step further and put yourself in another person’s shoes. What would it feel like to experience what they are feeling? Instead of interrupting and trying to give your opinion, just listen. Listen with the sole purpose of trying to understand.

We can get so caught up in our day that we forget to take time to just listen. To prove this, the next time you are in a restaurant or at a coffee house, listen to two people having a conversation and notice how often they interrupt each other.

When we listen to someone else, when we put ourselves in their shoes, not only do we learn something about that person, we give them the gift of our attention. We learn something about them we didn’t know and we grow in our ability to be empathic.

Listening also shows respect. Try listening, without interrupting, the next time you have a conversation with someone. Practice it often. You’ll be glad you did.