Relationship Rules

Do you ever feel like giving up? That life isn’t fair? We have all felt this way at one time or another. Despite our efforts, we can’t get life to move in the direction we want it to go. We want life to look one way, but that isn’t our experience.

Resisting what is happening, versus what we want, will only intensify those negative feelings. Don’t fight what isn’t working. Don’t waste precious time by making a list of why you are right or why it should be different. Instead, just for a moment, try to look at it from another perspective. Is there another way of looking at this problem? How could it be different than how you are perceiving it? When you can, practice the art of non-resistance.

Do you ever notice that when you reflect back on the hardest times of your life, that was when you experienced the most growth? It was what made you stronger, it humbled you, and molded you into the person you are today. Celebrate that. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are still here………..and you’ve come a long way, baby!

Are the challenges faced in relationships today different than 20 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago?

This seems like a silly question. Of course they are. So why do we use the same relationship skills that were used 30 years ago? A woman’s role today is dramatically different than it was even just 10 years ago. Men’s roles have also changed. Never before in history have we faced the unique challenges of blending; family and children, work in a maleoriented environment, and if there is any energy left a love-relationship. Our society has few role models for these multiple challenges. Our mothers and grandmothers lived in a world where needs, desires and expectations were defined differently. We live in a world where the demands on our time effects how we choose to spend each day. Most of us are either consciously or unconsciously using the skills we learned by watching our parents. Maybe you are one of the people who swore they wouldn’t be like their parents, where do you learn the skills necessary to face today’s challenges in relationships?

The first step is to understand the differences between women and men. What are women’s interests and how do men’s interests differ? What makes men and women feel good about themselves in a relationship? What do women do to relieve stress and understand their problems? What do men do to relieve stress and solve their problems? These last two questions demonstrate how hard it is to effectively ask the same question about women & men, proving they approach problems differently. Why do we communicate so differently?

Dr. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, has spent 25 years working in this field. He has shown that women are generally interested in people and feelings, while men are interested in objects and things. Women experience love when shown caring, understanding and respect, while men experience love when shown trust, acceptance and appreciation. When under stress, women will openly talk about their problems. Men tend to retreat to "their cave" to solve their problems by themselves.

Jane asks her partner, "Is everything OK?" sensing he is stressed out. Mark mumbles, "Yeah, everythingís fine." His "Yeah" answer can be interpreted as, "Yeah, everything is okay, donít worry. I can figure this problem out on my own.î In addition, Mark doesn’t want to be drawn out to discuss a problem he feels he can solve on his own. A manís self esteem is directly connected to his need to feel like a capable problemsolver.

When asking a Jane the same question, "Is everything OK?", she may respond "I’m fine.î, but really mean, "If you really care, ask me more questions and when I feel safe, Iíll tell you whatís going on." A woman generally needs to discuss her feelings but needs to feel safe first.

Conversely, you probably have heard a man short circuit a conversation with "What’s your point?" This validates the belief that men communicate with a goal-oriented approach. He is ready to start solving the problem and stop discussing it.

Women, on the other hand, communicate to exchange ideas and discuss feelings. Women have found through talking about their problems they often find their solutions.

Understanding the differences between men & women will allow couples to more effectively get what they want in their relationships with their partner, clients and coworkers.

Science has proven that when our relationships are harmonious, and especially our "love relationship", our stress level is significantly reduced. We can better handle situations with our family and at work.

We, and our loved ones, deserve to know new ways to communicate. Men and women might be worlds apart, but fortunately we can come together, with mutual understanding and appreciation for our differences, and move forward in our relationships toward harmony and peace and love.

As we move into the next season of the year, the days begin to get shorter, and our habits begin to change. We’ll spend more time indoors, get out our sweaters and begin to settle into Fall. Before we turn around, the holidays will be upon us. Our thoughts turn to spending time with family and friends.This is a perfect time to let those close to you know how you feel. Express affection for your partner, call and email your friends and family, or contact someone who has been on your mind lately. Tell them what they mean to you. Don’t miss the opportunity to tell someone you care. Sometimes the best surprises come when they are least expected.

We live in challenging times. Each and everyday, we have a wonderful opportunity to be a blessing in someone’s live. Today be a blessing in someone’s life and watch it come back to you.

We listen but do we really hear what another is saying? Listening is defined as: paying attention to; making an effort to hear. Take this definition a step further and put yourself in another person’s shoes. What would it feel like to experience what they are feeling? Instead of interrupting and trying to give your opinion, just listen. Listen with the sole purpose of trying to understand.

We can get so caught up in our day that we forget to take time to just listen. To prove this, the next time you are in a restaurant or at a coffee house, listen to two people having a conversation and notice how often they interrupt each other.

When we listen to someone else, when we put ourselves in their shoes, not only do we learn something about that person, we give them the gift of our attention. We learn something about them we didn’t know and we grow in our ability to be empathic.

Listening also shows respect. Try listening, without interrupting, the next time you have a conversation with someone. Practice it often. You’ll be glad you did.

Beginning a Relationship
There is nothing that can compare to the feeling of falling in love. It captures our hearts and makes them beat faster when in the presence of our beloved. Love sets up camp in our minds and causes us think much differently than we normally would. It begins, sometimes very quickly, to take over our thoughts. Best of all it gives rebirth to our imagination.
As we fall deeper in love, we feed our imagination with new pictures. We imagine wonderful, future moments together. We even imagine how we will feel when those moments occur because we know exactly how we would like them to be played out. If we let our imaginations run free, these wonderful, future moments lead to imaginings of moving in together, marriage proposals, weddings and children.
And let’s not leave out sex. Sex with this new love will certainly be better that with What’s His Face or What’s Her Name. Yes, definitely there will lots of great sex with this person. Even if it is bad in the beginning, the imagination will make it so it is better the next time and the time after that, until it is heavenly. Yes, it is marvelous when our hormones dance and sing in utter delight. They sing and dance every time they are reborn. Or should I say, fall in love? Now, if you are single, why wouldn’t you want to feel this way?
With the internet at our fingertips, we can type a few stats about ourselves, and in just a few words -presto! We have a profile and we are on our way to Haveadatetonightville. Pick a dating web site using your ouija board and you are an online date waiting to happen. But what else is waiting to happen?
You are in control of your destiny with just the click of a mouse and the rap of a few keys. You can shop for a husband, a wife, a casual relationship, a sexual relationship - with any preference you can imagine, all at your fingertips.
Given that most of us weren’t brought up with communication and relationship skills, conflict resolution skills, especially for our love relationships, how is it that we are supposed to navigate our way around the internet dating world, creating a relationship that will work and better yet, last?
Who wouldn’t want to feel all the wonderful emotions that accompany falling in love? Who wouldn’t want to feel love and cared for? Protected and supported? Validated and understood?
These are primary emotional needs that must be met in order to be successful in relationships. It is a must if we want to have anything to give back in our relationships.

Underlying Reason Why Relationships Don’t Work
We are somewhat divided in where we stand. We say we want to be in a relationship, but there are some of us who like to stand near the fence called, “I really don’t want to be tied down. I really value my alone time. I like not having the responsibility of another’s happiness. Being alone means noone has expectations of me.”
Some lean on the fence called, “I will never allow myself get hurt like that again. If I did, I fear my heart would never recover.” Still others linger near the fence called, “I live for the moment, moment to moment. I don’t care about feelings, I just want have fun. I work hard and deserve to have fun.”
We can’t forget the ones who hug one fence after another
because they are in love with the feeling of falling in love. Once reality takes up residence in their relationship, they are out of there and on to the next relationship high.
Are you asking yourself, where do I fit in? Whose fence are you standing next to? When you have your answer, ask yourself if that is where you want to stay?
If it isn’t, then move. If it is where you want to stay, then by all means, stay. It is serving you in some way right now and that is exactly where you should be. You will move when you have completed your purpose there.
When you get clear about what you are doing, going online to date, dating different people every week or month, you will see how some of these underlying reasons sabotage your relationships.

She says : “Where is our relationship going?”
He says: “I didn’t know it was moving.”

Once we are in this relationship a little while, we naturally begin to think, especially if you are a woman, where is this relationship going? The idea of living together or getting married surfaces it’s chameleon face. You and your partner may even fall in love with the idea of getting married.
My question is, are you in love with the idea of getting married or the idea of being married? Getting married looks like planning for a special day, parties, gifts, new clothes, a honeymoon, invitations, flowers and don’t forget the ring. Being married usually looks like that feeling of being in love lasting forever. Except it doesn’t. The honeymoon does end, we learn our partner has faults and habits, some of which may not please us.
When you build a foundation with one person, build one that will hold your relationship up no matter what storms may come your way. In order to do this, you must pay attention to your relationship, not just your partner. That is my suggestion always and in all ways. Pay attention to your relationship. Don’t blow it off thinking it will take care of itself. For half the married population who divorced, that theory did not work. A relationship doesn’t so much take work as it does time and knowledge of what to do that works — for you, your partner and your relationship.