Relationship Rules

What motivates you? What drives you to go in a particular direction? When you wake up in the morning, what motivates you to start your day? When you can answer these questions, you will know at a deeper level, who you are.

When you know who you are, you can decide how you want to show up in the world. This, in turn, determines how you will behave in your relationships with others.

Who do you want to be today? You get to choose. You get to decide in every moment who you want to be. Keep in mind, it is okay to be happy, okay to be sad, okay to be funny, okay to want to be alone and okay to want more. Try to refrain from judging your behavior. When you make a conscious choice, before you follow through with it, stop and notice how you feel. Do you want to make any adjustments? You are in charge of your choices. Make those choices good ones.

It is a common roadblock in relationships–a woman is ready to make a commitment and a man doesn’t want to make that step. What should you do? How do you broach the subject? You love your man but wonder, is he really the one? Why isn’t he ready to make a commitment?

A woman feels the pressure to get married even though her partner may be happy to keep things the way they are. Inside her biological clock ticks away, accompanied by thoughts of getting married and starting a family. She may feel something is missing in her relationship if they donít tie the knot. Generally speaking, after dating for six months, a woman will feel the need for a deeper commitment. If he hasnít brought up the subject, she will.

Without an understanding of how women think, men fail to realize the importance of “going all the way” emotionally = making a commitment. On the other hand, without an understanding of men, a woman doesn’t understand why he can be happy with their relationship, just the way it is. In his mind, as long as he is getting his needs met and is happy, why risk moving to the next stage?
Commitment is to women what sex is to men. For example, let’s say a man wants to go all the way with a woman. If she only wants to go to second base, he instinctively feels something is missing. Similarly, a woman wants to go all the way emotionally, get married, and he thinks he may miss out if he does.

When a man is exclusive with a woman, it means that he has made her more important than anyone else. Having done this, he becomes vulnerable. His feelings for her can be wonderfully strong, but at the same time he may feel out of control. Talking about making a commitment may make him feel like his freedom is slipping away.
When a woman is ready to move the relationship towards a more serious commitment and a man stays a step behind, her behavior may change. If a couple is indecisive about moving toward marriage, a woman may even deny her need to get married. Or, feeling desperate, she may give him an ultimatum, in the hopes of getting the
response she seeks.

For Men:

Reassure her that you understand what she is going through and are willing to listen. This sets the tone for communication. Ask her what she wants and then listen–attentively. If you become defensive, communication will stop.
Take time to acknowledge her need to talk. If you are not ready to take the next step, all you have to do now, is listen. Next, be honest about your feelings with her. A woman may not like what you say, but she can deal with knowing where she stands better than she can, wondering and worrying.

For Women:

Without blaming him, gracefully share how you feel. This way he will be able to respond more positively. If he doesn’t, remind him, this is not a problem, you just need to talk.

Discuss about how you feel about your relationship. This will awaken his duty to discuss his intentions with you. After you share with him how you feel, ask him will share his feelings with you. Your ability to accept his response will build trust and increase his comfortability factor with you. Feeling safe and comfortable is essential for a healthy, loving relationship. Remember, he may need more time than you do, but you are off to a great start.

Do you ever feel like giving up? That life isn’t fair? We have all felt this way at one time or another. Despite our efforts, we can’t get life to move in the direction we want it to go. We want life to look one way, but that isn’t our experience.

Resisting what is happening, versus what we want, will only intensify those negative feelings. Don’t fight what isn’t working. Don’t waste precious time by making a list of why you are right or why it should be different. Instead, just for a moment, try to look at it from another perspective. Is there another way of looking at this problem? How could it be different than how you are perceiving it? When you can, practice the art of non-resistance.

Do you ever notice that when you reflect back on the hardest times of your life, that was when you experienced the most growth? It was what made you stronger, it humbled you, and molded you into the person you are today. Celebrate that. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are still here…and you’ve come a long way, baby!

Those are magic words……especially for a woman. When a woman hears someone offer help by saying, “How can I help you?”, her burdens suddenly become lighter. Why? Because when a woman hears the possibility that help is on its way, she is suddenly aware that she doesn’t have to do everything herself, and she can relax. She will feel better just because someone asked and showed interest.

When this happens, the “feel-good” hormone, ocytocin, is released in her body causing serotonin to be produced in her brain, all allowing her to relax and let go. In order for a woman to relax, she needs to let go of what is bothering her.

What are the magic words that help you relax? Share with your partner, and the people in your life, what you need to hear. What words or phrase would be helpful for them to say to you when you need to relax or when you want some encouragement and support?

That is why we are here — to help each other — so get busy. Tell the people in your life what you need. And instead of waiting for it, be supportive to another and watch how fast it comes back.

Have you ever wondered, “Did he hear me or is he ignoring me?” Women often wonder why, sometimes when they ask their partner a question, there is a long pause. Most women say they have experienced this long pause after asking a question. What is that “pause” all about, you ask? It has to do with the way our brains are wired as men and women.

This is the deal–if you want your partner, or any man for that matter, to not only hear, but listen to what you have to say, make sure you have his attention.

In my book Relationship Rules, Rule #1 says: “Help your partner be successful in making you happy.” This can also be interpreted as “Help your partner hear what you have to say.” Try writing on a stickie note what you want him to remember. Write it on a dry erase board or chalk board. If he has a tangible place to read your message, there is a better chance he will follow through.

Your partner will appreciate your efforts to help him be successful. When he is successful and it involves you, he is motivated to make you happy and return the favor—-so make sure you have your “wish list” handy.