Are the challenges faced in relationships today different than 20 years ago, 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago?
This seems like a silly question. Of course they are. So why do we use the same relationship skills that were used 30 years ago? A woman’s role today is dramatically different than it was even just 10 years ago. Men’s roles have also changed. Never before in history have we faced the unique challenges of blending; family and children, work in a maleoriented environment, and if there is any energy left a love-relationship. Our society has few role models for these multiple challenges. Our mothers and grandmothers lived in a world where needs, desires and expectations were defined differently. We live in a world where the demands on our time effects how we choose to spend each day. Most of us are either consciously or unconsciously using the skills we learned by watching our parents. Maybe you are one of the people who swore they wouldn’t be like their parents, where do you learn the skills necessary to face today’s challenges in relationships?
The first step is to understand the differences between women and men. What are women’s interests and how do men’s interests differ? What makes men and women feel good about themselves in a relationship? What do women do to relieve stress and understand their problems? What do men do to relieve stress and solve their problems? These last two questions demonstrate how hard it is to effectively ask the same question about women & men, proving they approach problems differently. Why do we communicate so differently?
Dr. John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, has spent 25 years working in this field. He has shown that women are generally interested in people and feelings, while men are interested in objects and things. Women experience love when shown caring, understanding and respect, while men experience love when shown trust, acceptance and appreciation. When under stress, women will openly talk about their problems. Men tend to retreat to "their cave" to solve their problems by themselves.
Jane asks her partner, "Is everything OK?" sensing he is stressed out. Mark mumbles, "Yeah, everythingís fine." His "Yeah" answer can be interpreted as, "Yeah, everything is okay, donít worry. I can figure this problem out on my own.î In addition, Mark doesn’t want to be drawn out to discuss a problem he feels he can solve on his own. A manís self esteem is directly connected to his need to feel like a capable problemsolver.
When asking a Jane the same question, "Is everything OK?", she may respond "I’m fine.î, but really mean, "If you really care, ask me more questions and when I feel safe, Iíll tell you whatís going on." A woman generally needs to discuss her feelings but needs to feel safe first.
Conversely, you probably have heard a man short circuit a conversation with "What’s your point?" This validates the belief that men communicate with a goal-oriented approach. He is ready to start solving the problem and stop discussing it.
Women, on the other hand, communicate to exchange ideas and discuss feelings. Women have found through talking about their problems they often find their solutions.
Understanding the differences between men & women will allow couples to more effectively get what they want in their relationships with their partner, clients and coworkers.
Science has proven that when our relationships are harmonious, and especially our "love relationship", our stress level is significantly reduced. We can better handle situations with our family and at work.
We, and our loved ones, deserve to know new ways to communicate. Men and women might be worlds apart, but fortunately we can come together, with mutual understanding and appreciation for our differences, and move forward in our relationships toward harmony and peace and love.
